Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee
Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee
The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers
“We spend our youth thinking our parents are crazy, lame, and have no idea what they’re talking about; and then we become parents ourselves and find out that we, in fact, were the idiots. This book shares some of the best advice received from moms as told by some of the most hilarious authors writing today.” ~ Mike Cruse, Papa Does Preach
“When you were growing up, your mother’s advice might have made your eyes roll in exasperation, squeeze shut in frustration, or tear up with emotion—all in one conversation. Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee brings you back to those days, in a very good way. Don’t miss this one!” ~ J.D. Bailey, Creator of Honest Mom®
About the Book
Moms have a lot to say, and they’re not shy about letting it all out. The same women who breathe life into our limbs also smother us with their ominous, clever, and oh-so celebrated words—life lessons taught in the blink of an eye.
There are the extraordinary one-liners: When you get to be my age, you’ll understand. Because I said so, that’s why. And the hilarious side-pokers: Always wear clean underwear. Don’t eat yellow snow. Then there are those unusual “momisms” that totally mess with the offspring mind. This is especially true if you were told to only remove the fuzz from one-half of your legs when you were just thirteen years old.
Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers blends more than forty heart-warming, funny, and authentically told stories about the craziness of being reared and raised with the hard-hitting anecdotes that kept our mothers sane. Some of the tales will make you laugh; some will make you cry; and a few will leave you questioning how we ever survived our childhoods, let alone learn a few lessons. Although they may at times seem a little faulty, our mothers (and motherly figures) could drive like Andretti, cook like Julia Child, and shake someone up like an Italian mobster. We’ve survived and thrived, and never forgotten their enlightening words. We were listening after all.
Now sit up straight!
An Incredible Lineup of Writers
Joy aka Evil Joy is wife to one Dr. Evil and mom to four children she lovingly refers to as spawn. Often funny, always honest, and occasionally serious, Joy writes about life as she sees it. Come take a look a life from the Evil Joy side of the road!
Lisa lives in the South of France where she can be found sipping Champagne and working on her first novel; a humorous memoir of her life in the land of wine and cheese. She blogs at Canadian Expat Mom, The Huffington Post and BLUNTmoms.
Teri is a working mom of two, a red wine drinker, and a lover of all things Mike Rowe. She’s been published in the New York Times Best Selling book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” and can be found on The Huffington Post, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode.
Olga is a Polish woman living in the Netherlands with her German husband and three trilingual children. She is a translator, blogger, and writer. She also is a regular contributor to World Moms Blog, BLUNTmoms, and Multicultural Kid Blogs.
C. Lee is one-half of a parenting team hoping to change the world’s perception of helicopter parenting by proving that no harms comes to children whose parents hover. You can stay highly involved in your children’s lives and still maintain a happy connection.
Marlynne is a freelance writer, an author of prose, and an all around lover anything that involves pen to paper. Her work has appeared in Non-Profit World Magazine, The Next American City, Planning and Zoning News Journal, among others.
Carrie is the author of the blog Ponies and Martinis. When she is not trying to keep her kids and dogs in line, she enjoys wine, writing, and song. Carrie is a contributor to BLUNTmoms, and has been featured on Mamapedia and Mamalode.
Crystal is the owner of Blue Lobster Book Co. and chief blogger at MommiFried. She is the lead editor of the books The Mother of All Meltdowns and Clash of the Couples. She is a Hall of Fame writer on Scary Mommy and blogs for The Huffington Post.
Brooke is a Vancouver-based mama to one goon and busy body to all. She loves the Internet, glittery nail polish, over-sharing, and teaching her kid outdated dance moves. She blogs as missteenussr.com and is a regular contributor to BLUNTmoms.
Ashley is known for her love of dinosaurs, ponies wearing sweaters, and overuse of commas. She blogs at Smashley Ashley where she details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails and is a regular contributor for BLUNTmoms.
Alison is a morning-hating, video-gaming, often-busy-writing mother of two daughters, Doom and Destruction. (Not their real names, but when the shoes fit… they wear ’em.) She is an artist and writer. You can read some of her essays on BLUNTmoms.
Jill is a wannabe wine snob and runner. She writes about adoption, motherhood, and midlife at Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post, BLUNTmoms, and published on The Washington Post, and and cast member of LTYM, Austin.
A native New Yorker, Briana is equal parts poet, art critic, and writer of memories, with a M.A. in Art History. She traveled to Rwanda for two months to research the Rwandan Genocide and the art and artists of East Africa, and is writing about life in Rwanda.
m.nicole.r.wildhood is a Colorado native living in Seattle – and missing the sun – since 2006. She blogs at megan.thewildhoods.com, and also writes poetry, fiction, and short nonfiction. Saxophone player, scuba diver, and mental health advocate.
Tamara is a professional photographer, mama of two, blogger at tamaracamerablog.com, and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. Contributor to The Mother Of All Meltdowns.
Alessandra is author of “The Bitch’s Bridal Bible: The Must-Have, Real-Deal Guide for Brides.” She also writes screenplays and articles, and is a blogger for The Huffington Post. She has contributed to Scary Mommy, Uptown Magazine, Charlotte Magazine, and others.
Linda is a writer and musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is funny with a soundtrack; a mix of humor and music. 2014 BlogHer Voice of the Year; contributor to The Huffington Post and Humor Outcasts.
Catherine escapes from her mundane world by writing poems and short fiction. Cathy has been published in various print and online publications. She also has several poetry and short story collections. She lives with her husband in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Shannon was once a teacher, now a story maker and occasional cocktail shaker, she shares her tales, martini recipes, and her shenanigans over at Martinis & Motherhood. Shannon is a regular contributor for BLUNTmoms and is co-founder of Tipsy Squirrel Press.
Tracy’s humor blog, Tracy on the Rocks, was voted a 2015 finalist for “Best Writing” and 2014 finalist for “Most Humorous Web Blog” in the popular awards, the Bloggies. She is a contributor to the NYT Bestselling series, “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone” and BlogHer.
Chelsea spends her time writing and drinking copious amounts of coffee and tea. She reads, tries to belly dance, and explores vegetarian cooking. Haku and Momo, ninja cats extraordinaire, accompany her on literary and writing adventures.
Nancy is a freelance writer, and member of the Scribophile Critique Group. Has two previously published short stories: “The Boss from Hell,” in Work Literary Magazine and “You’re Safer on a Plane Than in a Car,” in Shatter the Looking Glass Magazine.
Caroline has been published in The Saturday Evening Post, Family Circle Magazine, and an assortment of literary magazines and anthologies. She is a Memphis correspondent for Broadwayworld, and Poetry Editor of the Humor in America blog.
Ramona hopes her mom’s advice has made her into the moral, charming, intelligent woman to be proud of. Her mom probably would’ve been surprised to find her life story written in Ramona’s second published novel, Anna’s Diary.
Janine is a WAHM mom, who writes at Confessions of A Mommyaholic. She has been published previously in The Mother of All Meltdowns, as well as had articles published on Mamapedia, Mom Babble, BlogHer, and Erma Bombeck. Owns graphic design company, J9 Designs
Hope is a retired Registered Nurse who hung up her bedpan and enema bucket to write. She’s been published in Byline Magazine, Gulf Coast Lifestyles, Bedpan Banter, Humorlabs.com, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Christian Communicator, and others.
Elaine is a wife, mom, writer, and photographer. She blogs at The Miss Elaine-ous Life since 2007. Her writing has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamalode, and Bon Bon Break and she is also Co-Produer for the Listen To Your Mother Show in Southeast, TX.
Blogger at The Everyday Gospel. Technical jargon translator. Online marketer. Small business advocate. Youth worker. Waterskier. Reader. College football enthusiast. Big Bang Theory fan. Brainstormer. Entrepreneur. Humorist. Not necessarily in that order.
Jennifer is a writer and poet. She has a BA in Creative Writing from Sonoma State University where she served as Senior Editor to the literary magazine ZAUM Vol. 16. Her work has appeared in Foodie Daily Magazine and Biz Marketing Magazine.
Julia lives in Minnesota with her husband and two children. She writes about ‘the less glamorous side of motherhood’ on her blog, Frantic Mama. Contributor to Mamalode and What the Flicka,as well as the anthology, Clash of the Couples.
Gabriella’s short stories, essays, and poetry have appeared in The Christian Science Monitor, Room Magazine, Culinate, The Mom Egg, The Binnacle, Three Element Review, and elsewhere. One of her short stories was nominated for a Pushcart Prize in 2013.
Michelle is a mom of three, Air Force veteran, human jungle gym, and a terrible driver. She paints, blogs at Crumpets and Bollocks and The Write Moms, plays piano badly, and dabbles in T-shirt design. Featured on Mamalode, BLUNTmoms, and BlogHer.
Gillie lives, writes, and lovingly criticizes her two tween daughters in Colorado. Both kids appear to have pretty good self-esteem because of or in spite of her. Her writing has appeared in the UU World magazine and at uuworld.org.
Miranda’s essays have appeared in The Christian Science Monitor and on HumorPress.com. She is a contributor to What The Flicka?, The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, and ModernMom. She has a published book of essays entitled “Lemonade and Holy Stuff.”
Susie is the co-curator of Toronto’s Plasticine Poetry Reading Series, and the author of the poetry collection, How to Get Over Yourself, the chapbook Paper Cuts, and the blog, The Starbucks Poetry Project. Her poetry has appeared in journals and anthologies.
Jen Simon writes for many publications including The Huffington Post, Babble, Scary Mommy, Lifetime Moms, and more. She has contributed to four anthologies. She stays home with her sons – a toddler and a sleep-challenged five-year-old.
Lisa’s nonfiction, journalism, poetry, and reviews appear in mainstream and literary print and online venues, including the New York Times, O-The Oprah Magazine, Babble, and Literary Mama, and has been nominated for Best American Essays.
Patricia is a world champion triathlete and award-winning engineer. In 2011, she set the world record for blind athletes in the IronMan distance, smashing previous records. Today Patricia aspires to represent her country in the 2016 paralympics in triathlon.
Andrew is a SAH dad and blogger who also teaches writing. After listening to his four kids have temper tantrums whenever he asks them to do something, he goes to work and listens to bigger kids have temper tantrums whenever he asks them to write something.
Autumn is a writer, storyteller, yoga enthusiast, and information hoarder. Although she’s a Florida girl at heart, she has fallen in love with the rolling hills of Tennessee. She lives in Nashville with her husband and two boys. She enjoys writing as a creative outlet.
Angila is a freelance writer in Ingersoll, Ontario. She blogs at Detached from Logic, and is a featured writer on BLUNTmoms, can be found on Huffington Post, and is a published author in an anthology called Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor.
Lee writes both fiction and nonfiction. Her first, still unpublished, novel won a coveted BreadLoaf Writer’s Conference Contributorship Award. She’s also written newspaper and magazine articles, short story collections, and a philosophy eBook, Search.
Terri recently returned to her Southern California roots after a decades-long odyssey. Her creative nonfiction has appeared in over a hundred anthologies. She is co-editor of Not Your Mother’s Book…On Travel. She frequently blogs at A Touch of Tarragon.
Sarah lives in Maine with her boat-builder husband and two loud boys. She blogs at the Bangor Daily News under the name Housewife Plus. She has been featured on BlogHer, In the Powder Room, Mamalode, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, and more.
Gargi is a software professional by day, a writer by night, and a mother at all times. She writes fiction and humor in an effort to unite the two sides of the brain in cerebral harmony. Her work has appeared in numerous literary magazines and anthologies worldwide.